Change. I resist it in nearly every aspect of my life, though I know it's inevitable. Perhaps the area I resist change most is diabetes.
I remember that first year and a half with MDI (multiple daily injections). It was awful. I've written about it before...about dropping out of the nursing program mainly because of...well, because of needles. But, there I was, having to inject my little two year old daughter several times a day. Sometimes deep in the night. Ironic, really.
Then came the switch to the insulin pump. I resisted it. Our endo doc encouraged us from the beginning, probably the second month on...to try it. He was a firm believer in it...that it would be easier on control and on our nerves. We did make the switch. It was hard because, though I hated the injections, I felt like I kind of had a grasp on them. The pump meant a whole new set of rules, many new do's and don't's. (And, 4 years later, I'm still learning something new almost daily!)
So, C had her endo appointment last Tuesday. I held guarded optimism about her Alc number. I felt like I was waiting for the professor to hand me my term paper for a final grade. At the last meeting, it had dropped, if only .2. I thought certain it couldn't be higher this time. Wrong. It was right back up to 8.2. Bleh! It produced a large pit-like feeling in my stomach. So much rides on this number. I know this is a great indicator of how C's been doing the last 3 months. I so want it to get under 7.0...
The famed Tiger Elevator at Childrens Hospital.
Our doc, so sweet, said "I know you're working hard at it. Let's tweak some overnight basals and raise her dinnertime carb ratios. I think that will really help." And, then we talked about the Minimed recall. Some of those mysterious highs that just would not budge were probably due to that. Possibly. Who knows? As the D folk on Twitter say: "I blame diabetes!"
It took a few nights for the effects of the changes to appear. I don't like changing more than one setting. I guess I like the scientific method. Too much change...it's making me crazy. We've been up the last 2 nights, trying to figure this out. Things are looking good but sometimes lower than I'm comfortable with...especially at bedtime. Last night was actually full of good numbers...just not full of much sleep...for me. Around 11:30 pm, I checked C. She was only 73. But I know that she has consistently been rising over night. So, I hung tight. I laid down, staring at the clock. I did not even close my eyes...
At 12 midnight, she was 77. So, okay, I thought... she's not dropping. I set the alarm for 2:00 am. She tested at 115...yay! I went back to bed without the alarm set. At about 8:30 am, her number was 126. I couldn't have asked for better numbers, all night long! (Well, I could have asked for 100 or maybe 95 at 11:30!) Good numbers, but not much sleep. What can I say?
C is growing, changing--everyday. I know her insulin needs will change too. I need to accept these changes and not fight them so much. I know this. It makes sense. I just don't like it.