A Real Sob Fest

This has never happened before.  It seriously pulled the rug right out from underneath my feet...and it hurt (we have tile floors.)
C does not remember life before diabetes.  She was still a baby when the diagnosis was given.  Finger pokes, injections, site changes, 3 a. m. gulps of juice?  They're just a part of her life.  She's never known differently.  In fact, I honestly marvel at how she handles it all...most of the time.  She is a strong girl.  So her reaction the other day really took me by surprise.
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For us, I would estimate that 80 % of site changes are relatively painless and go off without a hitch.  But then there is the other 20 %.  For sometimes unknown reasons, the infusion set just doesn't cooperate.  It may hit scar tissue or a nerve and it can send C an excrutiating *zing* of pain...I hate when that happens.  When this is the situation, I usually ask her, "Does it hurt enough for me to pull it out and try again?"  There has only been one time when she said, "yes."

So, the other day when we were changing the site, it happened to be a bad one...you know, one of the 20%.  But, we got past it with just a few tears and I continued cleaning up the pump site aftermath.  I was just about finished when I heard quiet sobbing from the family room. 

I walked in and found C quietly crying into a pillow on the couch.  I asked her if she was alright, did her site still hurt?  Through her choppy, tearful breathing, she told me her site was fine.  She brought her head up from the pillow, looked me in the eyes and said, "When I grow up, I don't want to have diabetes!"

Well, it didn't take long until we were both sobbing and hugging each other.  Could this have been the moment when her reality hit her square in the heart?  I want to cry right now just thinking about it.  At 8 years old, she was formulating the intelligence to know that diabetes is a life-long disease.  Just like that.  I was at a total loss for words.

We sat.  Hugging.  Crying. 

I have tried with all my might to not let on how scared I really am regarding this disease, at least to her.  I've tried to stay strong, to find the positives in all of it.  We do the 3 month endo visits, the JDRF walks, the fundraisers.  However difficult it is, I reach out to people and share about her diabetes management to those around us.  And, yes, I do cry...but not in front of her.  Never in front of her.  This day was different.  I could not hold it back.

Through leaky eyeballs, I told her how I wish I could take this from her.  If, somehow, God could miraculously remove diabetes from her little body and put it in me...I would gladly accept it.  I told her how sad I was when she was diagnosed.  And how much it hurt my heart to poke and prod her.  She was my baby. 

We did more hugging.  Middle C walked in the room whistling a tune.  He took one look at us, raised his eyebrows, made a 180 degree turn and walked right back out.  Thank God for that.  C and I looked at each other and she gave a little chuckle.

"We must look like a mess!" I said.

Never fear, we ended our sob fest on an upnote.  We both breathed deeply.  I told her what a brave and strong little girl I have.  She, of course, corrected me.  "You know, I am 8 now Mom!"

"Yes, honey, you're a wonderful 8 year old girl."  I said.  And, I let her know that I would always be there to help her with diabetes.  And that we would continue hoping for a cure and doing the best we can. 

"I truly believe God has big plans for you, Sweet-pea.  You're gonna do great things in your life...maybe even because of diabetes."

Goldilocks and the 3 Cell Phones

Well, it happened.  All of us got new cell phones for Christmas.  Yes, all of us...including the 7 year old.

I know.  I've heard all the comments already. 

"Wow, she's pretty young to have a phone!"

"I wouldn't dream of giving even my 10 year old a phone!"

"What in the world does a 7 year old need with a phone?!"

I have to say that there is a ton of pressure on parents to provide children with cell phones.  And, we put it off until our oldest was in middle school.  He began going places, more and more, with friends.  We were beginning to drop him off at practices and games.  It felt like the right time to give him a phone...for our peace of mind.

Jump back to Christmas...

My cute little pink, breast-cancer-awareness-y flip phone was finished.  Literally, 3 days before our contract ran out with the carrier, it died.  It would not even stayed charged for 30 minutes.  Of course, the husband was out of town.  I couldn't believe it.  We had been waiting with baited breath for the freedom from this company so that we could start fresh, new phones, new carrier.  But I needed a phone right then!  How did I ever manage without one.  I went w/out for one day.  1 day.  It drove me to the brink, people.  This was just before Christmas break and I needed every possible moment to do all those crazy last-minute things a parent does w/out kids in tow. 

Well, I couldn't stand it...so off to the _ _ & _ store I went.

"Sorry, lady.  They don't make batteries for that phone anymore.  Can I upgrade you to a new phone and new plan?"  In other words, "Can we lock you in with us for another 2 years with lousy service and extremely over-inflated charges?"

"Um, no thank you!" I said. "I just need a phone for like, 2 more days.  Anything. Maybe a junkie old one someone just turned in.  Anything?"

"Sorry ma'am.  All we can do is start you on a new phone with a new plan."

Argh.

I certainly didn't want that.  I went home feeling bound to our house phone.

And then, my 12 year old had a brilliant idea.  "You can put your old SIM card into my phone, mom."

"Awesome!  Thank you dear heart!"

And then he realized he was out a phone until the next week or maybe beyond.  Such a sweet boy!

Anyway, where am I going with this post??  O yeah...a 7 year old with a phone...

So, after getting through that horrendous phone-obsessed weekend, the husband and I talked about our options.  We had really wanted to replace our phones (the 3 we had) at Christmas time...as Christmas gifts.  We wanted to give middle C one as well.  There are many times I just wished he had one.  You know, sports practices, off with friends.

So we decided to get 4 new phones, whole new carrier.  And then, I began thinking again (dangerous, I know).  The kid who really needs one is C!  She too, is beginning to participate in activities that are difficult for us to be at every single minute.  And I need to feel she can reach us whenever the need arises.  With diabetes, we are finding it increasingly difficult to make certain all of our bases are covered with the different adults who may be in charge of her supervision.  Of all places, Sunday School has given us several concerns.  I just can't trust that everyone will consider a blood glucose reading of 47 as important...something that happened a couple months ago.  I feel I can trust C more...to at least call me if she has that option.

She really has shown great responsibility for her new phone.  She knows it's not a toy.  It stays in her bag.  The only numbers in her contact list are family members.  I think our new motto is going to be "test, treat & text." 

So, the result is this.  We all got phones for Christmas.  All of us.  Even the 7 year old.  There are limits.  And there are restrictions.  But now I'm able to reach all my kids and they're able to reach me. 

I suppose people will think what they will.  But they don't know my daughter.  They don't know our life.  And, unfortunately, most don't know about diabetes.  If having access to her phone makes even one low  less scary for her (and me) then that 5th phone in our family is worth it...not only the money, but all the raised eyebrows and questions.

Goldilocks and the phones

Batter Up!

So, C had softball tryouts on Monday night.  Yes.  7 year olds...trying out for a sport. 

Now, both the boys are deep into baseball.  Our family lives it...breathes it.  However, I guess it never dawned on any of us that, though, C is constantly there, at all the games (since life began for her)...she never really has played the game.  Hmmm...

Just after dinner, they began to practice.  Throwing, pitching, batting, catching.  A crash course for sure!  I was nervous for her.  I didn't want her to feel the pressure.  So, we hopped in the car and headed for the field...all of us, brothers included.

While I checked in at the registration table, Big C took her to the practice field to give her a few tips.  (This warmed my heart.)  It would be quite a wait for C's group to be called.  Group #1 was finished.  Group #2 was being rounded up.  C would be in Group #4.  So, we chatted with other parents.  Middle C met up with a friend.  We watched as the other girls were "trying out."

Group #2 was finished...on to #3. 

I began to fidget.  C needs to get checked, I thought.  I tried getting her attention on the practice field.  Big C was still giving her some catching advice.  I tried waving to him.  They're absorbed in practice.  Okay, it can wait.

Group #3 was half way through.  She's got to be tested, I thought.  And though I tried setting her up well with the dinner bolus, you never can tell what surprises diabetes will hold.  Dad was now out on the practice field as well.  I didn't want to make a scene...so I whipped out my new fancy phone and texted him.  "C needs to test!"...no response.  I texted Big C.  "Bring C over so she can test..."  Neither one reached for their phones.

"Group 4!" a lady called out.  Finally, there they all came, in from the field.

C seemed fine enough.  She grabbed a helmet and started over to the group.  "Hold on," I said.  "You've got to test."  5...4...3...2...1...54!  Darn it.  Juice box.  She scooped up all her equipment and headed to the dugout.  I motioned for Dad to follow with her kit.  "Let someone know she's low," I said.  They would have to skip over her until her number comes up. 

I sighed.  Apparently, I sighed heavily.  An older lady, standing nearby looked at me and said, "Oh, we have some diabetes in our family too.  It's just great how the kids can take care of it themselves and it's no big deal, is it?!" 

What?  What???!  "It's a bummer," I said.  "It's a huge deal."  I forced a smile.  Then I got up and walked away.  I guess I wasn't in the mood for a new year's resolution.
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Oh, C's tryout?  She hit the ball 2 out of 3 times.  She never caught it, but she threw it hard!...Like an All-Star!!

8-10 Times a Day

A 7 year old's routine, 8-10 times a day.

I've read many a blog with statistics about how many injections have been given, how many finger pokes have happened...even the extreme cost of managing diabetes.  So, here's our stab at it...just the lancing issue...

Since her diagnosis at age 22 months, we estimate that C has had approximately 21,350 finger pokes, give or take a few hundred.  (Wow...seeing that number in print turns my stomach.) You can't tell by the picture, but her littlle fingers are speckled with lancet wounds.  We continually tell her to rotate fingers and use the sides, but she is a creature of habit and has her favorite (ug!).  When it is most apparent is after bathing or swimming.  The holes, literally open up, and look so huge on her little fingers.

Where am I going with this??  Pity?  Hardly.  Awareness?  Yes.  We need a cure.  This should not be the daily routine of a 2nd grader...or anyone, for that matter.  It's tiring.  Sometimes all-consuming.  And, it hurts.  I've done it to my own fingers.  C will tell you that it's just a pinch.  She doesn't flinch, not even in her sleep.  She may have built up a tolerance for it.  But, it does hurt.

WDD is coming.  (World Diabetes Day)  November 14th.  The diabetes community is buzzing about awareness campaigns.   And so my mind is wandering with thoughts of what we can do to raise it up a notch.  Maybe simply sharing what exactly goes into "managing" this disease can help just a tiny bit.

Go to the World Diabetes Day website and learn more about this global campaign.

(Off the subject, sidenote: big news over at sixuntilme.com today...shout out to Kerri...yay!!!)